Chukat: How Do We Grieve?

Lego butterfly at Old Westbury Gardens, photo taken by the author

Bamidbar/Numbers Chapter 20 is bookended by the deaths of Moses’ siblings, Miriam and Aaron. In between, Moses hits the rock to get it to bring forth water, and God tells both him and Aaron that they won’t enter the Promised Land with the people. The Israelites request permission to pass through the land of the Edomites, but the king refuses, threatening attack if they try.

Miriam and Aaron have very different death and dying experiences. Miriam’s death appears to be sudden, with no warning. Aaron is made aware of his impending death, and God essentially creates a ritual for passing on the priesthood to Aaron’s oldest son, Elazar.

When Miriam dies, the text moves on to tell us the Israelites had no water. One midrash suggests that there was, in fact, plenty of water, but it had all been used to remove the ritual impurity of the people after they had touched the bier carrying her body. That left no water for drinking, and of course, the people were thirsty. The text is silent about any mourning period for her, as there was for Aaron, so at face value, one might think the people–including Moses and Aaron–didn’t mourn. But Miriam, even though she doesn’t get as much ink as her brothers, was a major force in the life of the Israelites. Our sages say that through her righteousness, the people always had water during their 40 years in Midbar Sinai. Water is the quintessential life force, and she was their life force. Her absence was acutely felt; she wasn’t just one of the thousands who perished in the wilderness during the preceding years.

Grief can manifest in many ways. Shock, bewilderment, anger, rage, denial and more. Anticipating a death doesn’t necessarily make it easier to deal with, but I can tell you from personal experience that it’s definitely a different experience. The people were prepared for Aaron’s death; they saw him go up Mount Hor with his son and brother, and they had time to get used to the idea of his impending absence.

While public mourning may be limited in time, grief has no time limit. It changes over time, but doesn’t completely leave us. Each person’s–each community’s–grief journey is different, and sharing our grief and experiences allows us space and companionship.